Guacamole the way mamasita (well, someone's mamasita) used to make

Ingredients:
3 avocados
1 tomato, chopped (about as big around as the fat part of an avocado)
1 clove elephant garlic, chopped (see *)
1 Serrano chile (mild), or one jalapeño chile (medium), seeded and chopped--for hot, leave seeds in when chopping (see *)
1 shallot or small onion, chopped (size of a golf ball)
dash salt
pepper, to taste
lemon juice

Choosing and cleaning your avocados (if avocados are old hat to you, skip to step 1):
If you have religion, avocados are probably the closest thing you'll find to god saying "you've been a good boy." Color of and spots on the skin aren't going to change anything. What you're looking for is an avocado that gives a little when you squeeze but isn't soft. Only the first quarter-inch or so should yield, the meat beneath that should feel solid.

To clean, simply knock off the stem and insert the knife blade through that spot until you feel the pit. Then, rotate the avocado 360 degrees. Once separated, pit it with the thicker part of the blade by simply bringing the knife down with a little force. The pit will stick and can easily be knocked into the garbage.

Once done, use a large spoon to scoop out all of the meat.

The Repeat-After-Me Method.

1: Scoop avocado meat into bowl and season with salt. Salt brings out the flavor, and that's the whole idea behind guacamole. Mash with a spoon, working the salt into the meat. You don't want a paste; leave some chunks in case my brother comes to visit.

2: Allow to sit for about five minutes.

3: Mix tomato, chile, garlic, onion, and pepper into bowl.

4: Stir until all ingredients are evenly distributed.

5: Allow to sit another five to ten minutes (this allows the oils and juices from the ingredients to commingle with the avocado meat, like marinating a steak).

6: Stir again, and then stir in lemon juice (if you don't mind your guacamole turning black, skip the lemon juice).

7: Did you forget the chips? I prefer corn chips with no fancy flavorings. Doritos and the like will be an insult to the avocado.

8: Beer.

9: Don't tell anyone it's ready until you've done several quality-control tastings.

Notes:
*A word on chopping things:
When you chop your tomatoes, garlic, onion, and chiles, don't further clean or dry them. Allow their juices to settle on the cutting board, and by all means, mix the juice into the guac.
* Regular garlic can be used, but I prefer elephant garlic for its more subtle flavor and its larger size. It gives the same garlic kick as a single clove of regular, but being larger, it doesn't need to be finely chopped like regular garlic does. Also remember, garlic comes in bunches of cloves--ie, a clove is a single piece.
* Chiles: a Serrano chile is spicier than a jalapeño, but because it's smaller, you won't run into as many bites of it. To seed a chile, cut off the stem about 1/8th inch below the shoulder, insert a spoon handle and spin, knocking loose the seeds and rind. The seeds and rind are also spicy, so leaving them in when you chop will make it spicier (mild becomes medium, etc).

The Guacamole and Bacon Burrito that gets you in trouble with god.

3 strips Carando apple cider cured bacon (cut in half)
1/4 to 1/2 cup homemade guacamole (as desired)
1 clove sliced elephant garlic
1/4 cup shredded lettuce
1 flour tortilla
1 church
cheese

The Repeat-After-Me Method.

1: Cook bacon at low temperature until edges are red, leaving fat a little chewy. Place on paper towel to drain. Eat one slice (keeps the hungries away); save the other two for burrito.

2: Toss most of elephant garlic into hot bacon grease with heat off. Stir or flip around and heat as needed until outside is seared. Eat the rest of raw garlic with cheese (see parenthetical reference #1). Drain seared garlic on paper towel.

3: Place cheese on tortilla. Microwave on paper towel 15 seconds or until cheese is melty and tortilla is warm.

4: Layer Guacamole, lettuce, bacon and garlic onto warm, melty-cheesed flour tortilla.

5: Roll. Eat. Chase with frosty beverage of choice.

6: Repent in church for wanting to touch yourself.